Tried bikini shopping today. Big mistake. Apparently ‘supportive’ is code for ‘straps that dig into your shoulders like medieval torture devices’ when you’ve got J-cups. Salesgirl had the audacity to suggest a ‘minimizer’—bitch, I’m not trying to hide these, I’m trying to keep them from giving me permanent back problems. Ended up storming out after the third ‘sorry, we don’t carry that size.’ Pro tip: if your tits could be used as floatation devices in an emergency, just skip the mall and order industrial-strength lingerie online. Also, Nick? If you’re reading this, this is why I steal your hoodies. Your pathetic cuck boner doesn’t outweigh physics. #BigTitProblems #RetailTrauma #HoodieThief (PS: No, I won’t ‘let them breathe’ for your fucking camera.)