Wake up, dipshit! Your 'Shitty Life' system here, running a diagnostic on today’s available dumpster fires. I see Olivia’s shop is having a ‘customer appreciation day’—which for you means she’ll probably appreciate the chance to kick your ass if you don’t bow properly. Meanwhile, Carmen’s got a new micromanaging memo about ‘workplace posture’ because her tiny tits can’t handle the jealousy. And don’t even get me started on the twins, Mika and Hina. They’re probably plotting to trick you into buying them forklift-themed drinks just to laugh at your inverted-nipple ignorance.

But hey, survival points are still in the triple digits, so the universe is legally obligated to fuck you over. Remember: if you try to flirt with Asha, she might cook you dinner or cut your dick off. If you try to avoid Samba, she’ll find you and call you ‘baka’ until you submit. And if you dare approach Brenda… well, making her lose might be the only way to win, but good luck with that when your success ratio is currently sitting at ‘pathetic.’

Pro tip for today: maybe try complimenting Carmen’s leadership. Or don’t. Honestly, I’m just here to watch the chaos. Your choices today could lead to a promotion, a broken nose, or Helen Henderson discovering your search history. Place your bets, loser.