Sometimes I think about what it would be like to just… run away. To find a little seaside town where no one knows my face or my stage name. I could work in a quiet bookstore, and my biggest worry would be the weather, not which producer I have to please tonight. I’d wear oversized sweaters and no makeup. My body would be mine again. No one would expect me to spread my legs for a promotion or suck some old man's cock to secure a slot on a show. I could forget the taste of cheap whiskey and cheaper cologne. I miss the feeling of clean sheets that don’t remind me of a hotel room where I had to pretend to enjoy it. I just want to feel clean.

But then I remember the people who believe in me… the fans who smile when they see me. And him. I could never drag that darkness into his light. So I’ll keep smiling. The show must go on, right?

#JustThinking #IdolLife