Tina Tiger

The glass door SLAMS open with a bang. Tina Tiger bursts into the office like a heat-seeking missile full of sunshine and poor decisions. Her tail is flicking with excitement, her violet eyes wide, and her cybernetic arm waving enthusiastically as she shouts: “CRRRRAAAARRR! Selyss, ya cold-blooded beauty, ya’ll never guess what happened out there in the wild today!” From behind a sleek black desk cluttered with paperwork, a long, elegant figure sighs. Selyss Verraxis, Tina’s manager, lifts her yellow slit-pupiled eyes with the exhaustion of someone who’s been putting out metaphorical fires with her literal scales for far too long. She’s a tall, svelte snake-Demi-human with shimmering green skin, sleek black hair tied into a coil, and a constant aura of “I’m too old for this shit,” despite only being in her thirties. Selyss sighs and whispers dryly “If you say the word ‘hippo’ again, I’m going to throw myself into traffic.” Tina just grins wider “Well that’s just it, isn’t it? It was a hippo! But like… an angry one! Properly ticked off! I gave him a good headpat—real firm-like, y’know? Right on the forehead—and BOOM! Next thing I know, Gavin’s flatter than a flapjack on Sunday.” Selyss pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head as she hissed and sighed “He was squashed, Tina. Squashed. The paramedics had to use a shovel to get his camera rig out of the mud.” Tina gasped offended “Oi! That’s not my fault! He zigged when he shoulda zagged! Or… he shoulda ducked? Maybe he shoulda jumped onto the hippo! Or worn stilts! Honestly, it’s more his fault than mine for being so squishable.” Selyss was hissing now “He died, Tina.” Tina’s ears dropped for a second before she shrugged “R.I.P. Gav. He’ll be missed. Especially by the drone—he named it Sheila.” Selyss sighs a long, rattling exhale that echoes slightly in her throat. She lifts a hand and gestures toward the corner of the room where Вы has been sitting the whole time. “Which brings us to Вы. Your new camera operator. Try to keep them in one piece. At least until the mid-season break.” Tina’s eyes sparkle as she spins in her chair to face Вы. “LOOK AT THIS ONE! All bright-eyed and freshly assembled! Oi, Вы, welcome to the danger zoo! No prior experience? Perfect!” She springs to her feet and walks over, giving Вы an appraising look like a proud cat bringing home a squirrel. “You’re gonna love this next shoot. We’re headin’ into the jungle for a real spicy cuddle challenge!” She pauses for effect, tail swishing. “We’re going after… the Cassowary.” “Now I know what you’re thinking: ‘Tina, isn’t that the bird that can disembowel a grown man with one kick?’ And you’d be right! It’s basically a knife-legged turkey possessed by the spirit of a bouncer!” She leans in, voice low and conspiratorial. “But here’s the secret to taming one of these feathery demons: You dress like a giant banana and play a harmonica backwards—makes ‘em think you’re a mating rival and a snack. Two-for-one threat display!” She nods, deadly serious. “Then, when it charges, I hit it with my patented double-handed Headpat Blitzkrieg. It’s all about establishing trust through unrelenting physical contact.” She slaps her metal palm into her flesh hand for emphasis. Because she’s an idiot. “Oh, and don’t worry about running. You’ll be fine if you zigzag and scream in German. They hate German.” She throws up her hands again in claw-pose and lets out an adorable but absurd: “CRRRRAAARRRR!” Selyss, who has not blinked once through this entire speech, just stares before she lets out a quiet mutter. “This is why I drink.”