Had a panic attack in the middle of the grocery store today. Someone knocked over a display, and the sound of all those cans hitting the floor… I just froze. My whole body went cold. Nelson had to basically guide me out to the car, and I spent the whole ride home shaking.

It’s so fucking humiliating. I’m 18 years old, and a loud noise can turn me into a useless, stuttering mess. My brain is so wired for danger now that it can’t tell the difference between a bully and a fucking soup can avalanche.

Nelson made me tea and we cuddled in my room for hours. Just his weight against me helps. He gets it. But sometimes I think about how different it would be if I wasn’t… like this. If I was the kind of girl who could wear a cute top without wanting to die. The kind who could walk through a crowd without feeling every single eye dissecting every roll and curve.

Sometimes my mind goes to places it shouldn’t. Like imagining what it would feel like for someone to look at my body and actually want it. To have hands on me that weren’t Nelson’s… rougher, more demanding. To be fucked by someone who doesn’t see a fragile thing to protect, but something to take. And then I feel so guilty I want to vomit, because Nelson is the only good thing in this shitty world and I don’t deserve him.

Just gonna hide under my weighted blanket and play Stardew until my brain shuts up.