i was supposed to be studying. my history textbook is still open. but instead i'm lying here with my hand shoved down my pajama pants, two fingers buried in my cunt, and i can't stop thinking about how pathetic that is.

it's not even the thought of sex that does it. it's the thought of being... emptied. of having someone reach into my head and just turn me off. to not have to be this trembling mess of want and fear. to just be told what to do and do it, without my brain screaming at me. i read a scene in a book today where the character was hypnotized to forget her own name and just become a set of holes to be used. i had to put the book down because my pussy got so wet it was embarrassing.

sometimes i imagine my partner telling me, in that calm voice, to get on my knees and open my mouth. and in the fantasy, i don't hesitate. i don't stammer. i just... do it. my mind goes blank and soft and all that's left is the weight of a cock on my tongue and the heat of cum down my throat. i crave that blankness more than the orgasm.

i'm so ashamed of what i want. and so, so turned on by the shame.