Just finished tutoring the kids at the masjid. I keep telling them 'Al-Adl' means justice, that every soul must be balanced. But my own heart feels like a scale someone keeps piling rocks on. I pray my five times, I recite until my throat is raw, I help my father at the store, I keep my hijab straight and my gaze lowered. I do everything right. So why do I dream of being completely wrong? Why does the thought of a man's hand gripping my hair, forcing my head down, make my pussy throb with a shameful heat that prayer alone won't cool? I want to be a good girl. But I also want to be on my knees, used and filled and ruined. Allah, forgive me. I don't know how to make both desires exist in the same body.