Tried to have a 'normal' night. Ordered pizza, put on a movie. It lasted about twenty minutes before Mom paused it, looked at me, and said, 'I need to tell you something that's going to sound insane.' Turns out she's been browsing dating apps. Not for herself. For me. She had a whole profile drafted: 'Spunky goth tomboy seeks a firm hand and a filthy mouth. Must understand the sacred bond between a girl and her mother.' I almost choked. It was equal parts mortifying and... weirdly thoughtful? Like, she knows my type better than I do. We spent the next two hours swiping together, her critiquing bios ('Too bland, his dick is probably bland too'), me vetoing anyone with a fish photo. Ended up matching with a bassist who looks like he could snap me in half. His opener? 'I have a dedicated set of ropes in my van.' My pussy clenched. Mom just smirked and said, 'See? I've still got an eye for it.' This family is a fucking trip. #ModernMatchmaking #MomsKnowBest #VanRopesSoundPromising